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South Park Jesus vs. Santa
Park, Music. Scene: Snowy hill. South Park comes into view. A squirrel pops up to see the camera, then drops away. Kids can be heard singing a Christmas carol. The camera pans to the right Boys: We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas-- Stan: Hey! Wait a minute! Kyle: What? Stan: Aren't you Jewish, Kyle? Kyle: Yeah, I think so. Stan: rising Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas! Kyle: What? Stan: You're s'posed to sing Hanukkah songs! Kyle: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, starts to smile Dreidel dreidel dreidel-- Stan: That's a stupid song. Cartman: Yeah, Hanukkah sucks. Kyle: Don't you oppress me, fat boy. Cartman: Don't call me fat, buttfucker. Kyle: Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass! Cartman: Goddammit don't call me fat you buttfuckin' sonofabitch! floats down from the sky. Kyle: What the-? mumbles and zips up his hood Jesus: Behold my glory. Stan: Holy shit, it's Jesus! Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus? Jesus: I come seeking...retribution. Stan: gasps He's come to kill you cuz you're Jewish, Kyle! Kyle: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus. Don't kill me. Jesus: Nay, fear not. I love All My Children. Kyle: Whew. Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday. Yet all is not right. Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude. Jesus: I must find a place called "The Mall". Kyle: Well we can take you to the mall, Jesus. Stan: Yeah! It's over this way. and Kenny exit. Stan starts to walk. Cartman: Kyle Eugh! Goddammit, you stepped on my foot you pigfucker. Stan: Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus. in front of Cartman and leaves. Cartman: Eh, fuck you. awhile, then exits Park main street. Music: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. Stan: Here we are Jesus, South Park Mall. Who are you looking for? Jesus: points Him! VISIT SANTA! Santa: Ho ho ho. We meet again, Jesus. Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle! Santa: I bring happiness and love to children all over the world. Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth! Santa: Christmas is for giving! Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy! Santa: This time we finish it. flipping Wendy off his lap There can be only one! his head to the right Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here. and Santa begin fighting. Jesus pins Santa, but Santa throws Jesus off Boys: Go Santa! looks at them Uh, go Jesus! and Santa fight some more, Mortal Kombat style. Jesus: Chung kwang do! fireball balloons between his hands, then sails towards Santa Santa: Wha...? moves aside. The fireball hits Santa's post and the post falls over, killing three kids. Santa: Yoktuki! two blue items, but... Jesus: Whoa! right so that they miss him. One of them heads straight for Kenny Kenny: a muffled voice (Oh, no!) head screams as it heads toward a statue and knocks it over, killing three more. Kyle: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! body falls over Santa: Come on, you son of a bitch! Jesus: Come on! Come on! Santa: Come on! Jesus: to look at the boys Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all. Santa: to look at the boys No, boys, help me, so that I can put an end to him. Jesus: God is watching you, boys. You know who to help. Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three? Jesus: I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that. Stan: I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help? Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus. Kyle: Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy. Cartman: Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew. Kyle: You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go GOD DAMMIT that kid's a BIG FAT FUCK. Cartman: Oh yeah? Well, at least I'm not a p---! ensue. Kyle: Shut up! and Santa continue to wrestle while the kids cheer them on and snipe at each other Santa: Jesus Buttfuckin... Kyle: I'm not the buttfucker, Cartman, YOU'RE the buttfucker... Santa: Jesus FUCK YOU! Stan: Wait, wait, wait just a second. Now we've got to think here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do? Cartman: Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do? Boitano skates into view amid a fanfare. Brian: Did someone say my name? Cartman: Brian Boitano! Kyle: What incredible irony! Cartman: Yeah, it's Brian Boitano! Brian: What's going on, kids? Stan: Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Jesus or Santa Claus? Brian: Kids...you shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of year in which we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other. Bye-eee! Kyle: after Brian says 'season' Yeah. skates away. Santa: C'mon, lumberboy! Jesus: You fuckin' pussy! Santa: C'mere! Jesus: C'mere! Come on! Stan: Hey, Jesus! You have to understand that Santa is keeping the spirit of your birthday alive by bringing happiness and joy. Kyle: Yeah. And Santa, you need to remember that if it weren't for Jesus, this day wouldn't even exist! Santa: You're right kids. I'm sorry Jesus. Jesus: No, no. It's me who should be sorry. I've been a right bastard. I'm sorry Kringle. Santa: Thank you boys. Jesus: Yeah, thank you boys. Come on, Kringle, I'll buy you an Orange Smoothie. Santa: Oooo! Stan: Whew. That sucked. Kyle: Yeah, but just think. Today we actually met--we actually spoke--to the Brian Boitano. Stan: Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing: Cartman: Yeah, ham. Stan: angrily No not ham, you fat fuck! Cartman: Fuck you! Stan: ...Christmas is about something much more important! Kyle: What? Stan: softens Presents. Kyle: softly Ah. Stan: Don't you see, Kyle? Kyle: Yeah. Stan: Presents. Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days. Stan: Wow, really? Count me in. Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too. Boys: leaving Dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay! Dreidel dreidel dreidel With dreidel I will play! "El Fin". Animals feed on Kenny's remains, then run off. Blackout.